Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
For the orator and chef in all of us
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Nice try, poison.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no