I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
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“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
plant them where lol
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
good for her
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise