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FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific