I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
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I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
me refusing to leave twitter
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?