Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
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Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
new shirt idea
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
FINE, I WON’T.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector