AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
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When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
can you read it!!??
maan!
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
multitasking lunch
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.