I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
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Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
If only.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Safety first