Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
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I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.