Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
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[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
🤭😂
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.