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I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
How dude HOW?!
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
doing some research
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed