Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion