To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
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Mummies are just super modest zombies
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
just witnessed a drug deal
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.