Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
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*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Knock Knock
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”