apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
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Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.