I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
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You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.