I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
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The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug