wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
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Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.