I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
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Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!