I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
The Punning Dead.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.