I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
You Might Also Like
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?