I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
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Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
i’m still crying at this
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.