Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
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Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
CRYING
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.