Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
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Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
When you kidnap a writer.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down