Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
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Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
This is hilarious….
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?