I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
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So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story