My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
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Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.