Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
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Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.