“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
You Might Also Like
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.