Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
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My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.