Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
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Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
a fate I wish upon no one
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.