We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
titanic
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys