Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
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Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Okey dokey.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?