My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
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*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself