The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
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6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.