Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
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“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.