Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
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Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I am all good here, 😂😉
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.