I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
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How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
my favorite genre of twitter
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Not even remotely sorry.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
This makes total sense…