The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
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me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.