cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
You Might Also Like
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.