Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
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“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
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.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier