“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
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I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop