My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
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elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]