[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
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GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I’m confused about plants
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho