Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
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Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.