When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
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Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.