I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
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The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next