We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
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In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS