Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
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American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
My diet starts in January
of 2027
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..