It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
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I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
the three branches of government
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.