DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
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Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too